Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

While John Doe was in a military training program, his father died. John Doe's family contacted the military and told the bad news to the chief. The chief wasn't sure how to tell this to John Doe. So the next day...
"Hello soldiers! All of you whose fathers are alive, step forward!" The moment John Doe steps forward, the chief says "Hey hey, back off Doe"

Damn, my jokes fail when I translate them

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told
her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more' I asked, What do you mean there's more.
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually
had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'


(Sam's Club) is a large warehouse like retailer, offering discounts on hundreds of items...

Pure blonde? No offence, i am blonde too

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a b***h."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b***h?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b***h."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b***h."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b***h."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b***h."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A B***H!!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A B***H!!"

If you're not English you probably won't get this. Be aware it is in questionable taste.

The Byte Before Christmas

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'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a user was using ... not even a mouse;
The programs were hung from the bugs in their code,
In hopes that a guru would soon cure their woes;
The data were nestled all snug in their beds,
While versions of software danced in their heads;
The boss dimmed the lights as I locked up my desk,
A couple days off and a well-deserved rest;

Then all of a sudden there came such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.

Away to the processor I flew like a flash,
What a terrible sound .. like a massive headcrash;
The lights they were blinking and beaming aglow,
The hardcopy printout said "Let service know!";

When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
On a silicon wafer ... a field engineer;
A little device driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Chip!

More rapid than Macro, his cursor insane,
He whistled and shouted like a video game.

Now, Pascal! Now, Basic!, Now, Fortran and Cobol!
On RPG! On PL/1, On Dibol and Snobol!
To the top of the registers, the bottom of core!
Run diagnostics and see what they store!

As memory leaves when electricity flies,
The 'Rep' cracked a smile and loosened his tie;
He was chubby and plump, said the place was a wreck,
And I laughed when I saw him (in spite of high tech).

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He was dressed from his head to his feet in a suit,
His briefcase was heavy with tools to re-boot.

With bundles of bits bulging out of his slacks,
He looked like a pro 'bout to fix a blown pack.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Reseated PC boards, then turned with a smirk;

Hit return with his finger and said "Here it goes,"
And giving a nod, into the CRT he dove.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere leaving the site,
"Restore the data, and all will be right!"

What do you get when a kid has Catholic parent,Buddhist freinds,a Jewish brother,a Hindu sister,an Atheist uncle,an Agnostic aunt,and a Muslim cousin?.....


























One REALLY f**** up kid!

"GaryR" wrote:If you're not English you probably won't get this. Be aware it is in questionable taste.

Yes. But very,very funny!

"turn 5" wrote:What do you get when a kid has Catholic parent,Buddhist freinds,a Jewish brother,a Hindu sister,an Atheist uncle,an Agnostic aunt,and a Muslim cousin?.....

One REALLY f**** up kid!

I don't get it...

It means the kid has no idea what to believe.

Oh, I just don't understand how that makes him "bad word" up.

Oh Mike it's a joke for God's sake...
Don't tell me you never actually did something which was NOT OK to do, and someone told you "You're f****d up!"

http://www.nouptime.com/

"ndmmxiaomayi" wrote:http://www.nouptime.com/

Amusing